Reaction to the Cause.

Son, 

This one you know well, as we have used it in our relationship so very many times to de-escalate the other before their ‘irrational mind’ overwhelms them. 

The principle is close to ‘the straw that broke the camels back’ : it goes like this : 

"When the reaction to a cause is greater than should have been caused, then the reaction is not to the cause”.  The reaction is to a whole lot of other ‘causes’ that have, with this small event, just triggered an ‘overload’ of their cognitive/stoic/pragmatic system and triggered some form of ‘melt down’.  In other words, when one said a simple sentence, the other exploded irrationally. 

There are a lot of reasons why this could happen … maybe the other person is dealing with a challenging health issue, or a challenging relationship issue whether it be family, work, or related to money, or… well, the list is endless.

The way we stay sane as humans, for the best part, is to communicate honestly with someone we trust will not hurt us with our own words.  So in witnessing this moment of an ‘insanity reaction’ breaking out, it could be safe to assume that the ‘other causes’ are unresolved, and uncommunicated. 

The other matters on the person’s mind are using nearly all of the person’s attention (sanity) units, and this little matter raised requires more attention than they have available …. and so … EXPLOSION!!!

In the explosion, there will be an irrational, out of character rant probably disclosing some insights into the unresolved issues they are facing and, if you have enough attention units to absorb and process, you can offer counsel as they calm down.  If their unresolved issues are including you, it may be difficult to withstand the onslaught and then, at some point their rant could overload your available attention (sanity) units and you have a “F*CK THIS” moment and  .. we have a YELLING MATCH. Two people overwhelmed and out of control. Ha … we have all been here, as embarrassing as it is with hindsight.

The most comfortable solution, however, is to catch the ‘flip’ before it ‘flips’ with words to the effect of “Hang on, we are not going in the intended direction here … Whatever meaning you just made of what I said, it is not the meaning I intended because this energy you are putting out is not the energy I intended you to experience.”  This ‘last second plea’ is to try to help the other stay ‘sane’ with the few attention units they have left.  Then we have a chance to ask “What’s going on?”.

I feel this is one of the great keys to our friendship as it has matured  - we can ‘read’ each other with earlier signs, and then guide each other to handle the situation better.  

I think as importantly in addition to this, is that we have friends, and each other, to talk every day honestly.  This means we really have less chance of an attention overwhelm, and the subsequent insane raves. Time has proven this as the occurrence of these ranting moments have gone from frequent to maybe non-existent!

Looking back at our own moments of irrational behavior, I can certainly add that unresolved communications seem more overwhelming when drunk, which probably means we have less attention units when drunk - and this is worth keeping in mind - “out of the alcohol, the heart speaks”.  

So, it may make good sense to remember that we do not get drunk when angry or overwhelmed - it is not likely to be the best coping mechanism.  You, Me, whoever are really more likely to hurt someone we care deeply about with the vitriolic spewing forth of our own hurt and confusion.

Dad.