From the Inside -Out

Son, 

As you develop yourself into the man you want to be, with qualities and skills you choose, one of the challenges is ‘how to deal with’ how other people see you.

If you pander to how other people say they see you, you will not know yourself.  If you don’t take into consideration how other people say they see you, you could be misdirected by your own ego / arrogance.  So the real answer is somewhere between the two. 

Firstly, you must form your own opinions. However, poorly informed opinions are potentially poor opinions.  So, in order to form a firm, character-complimenting opinion, it must be well researched, deliberated, and articulated.  Your choice of words that you use to define your opinions are important, as we are both responsible for what we say, and we must be empathetic to how we are heard and understood. 

Once your opinions are tested in the real world by measuring the reaction of both friends and strangers, people that agree with you and, more importantly, people that test your opinion with alternative opinions, you can feel confident that your opinion becomes a ‘value’ or a ‘principle’ - an element of your character - and is able to be called on as a ‘guide’ or a mantra. 

At this time, you know ‘Before you speak, think what you can deliver … and before you act, think what you have spoken’.  These well-formed character values and principles can survive all known conditions you face. 

In each ‘aspect’ or ‘facet’ of your life, you are then living ‘from the inside out’ not ‘from the outside in’.  People’s opinions are not forming you, or your actions. And so it is, year after year, new conditions, new experiences, new environments challenge who you are and how you are seen, and new opinions are formed.  

This is not a justification for a rigid character with hundreds of ‘rules’ - in fact, it is the opposite - the key to being a human in a relationship or community is EMPATHY - you are somewhat responsible for the reaction you get to your words and actions - at least to assess and understand them.  For certain, some people have an opposing ideology and use ‘the right to be offended’ as a weaponization of  speech.  In these cases, the reaction should be suffice to inform you that there is no gain in this conversation - no way or reason to discuss or persuade - that to de-escalate, disconnect and choose silence may be the most prudent pathway. 

Of course, this is also not a justification to ‘let yourself go’ as if how you look, smell and behave has no consequences - we are in the world, and when in Rome, we should fit in.  This could mean wearing a suit in New York, and a T-shirt in Phuket, as much as acknowledging ideologies and social rules in given communities (eg. Don’t speak ill of the Thai Royal Family when in Thailand).

All along the way, you are aware when you are using adapted behaviors to complement your environment, whilst remaining personally solid and stable with your own determinations, beliefs, values and mission. 

Dad.