The Art of Agreement.

Son, 

A vast majority of humans are vulnerable to manipulation by these three words:

“But You Said!” 

I feel that ‘having integrity’ and ‘telling the truth’ are core aspects about how our family and team want to be seen by others - however, if this is your greatest strength, then it is also potentially your greatest weakness. Manipulators can really get you do do things you would never normally do by twisting your words and feeding them back to you with “But You Said…”.

In order to maintain your integrity and resist these manipulators from affecting you and your outcomes, you need an understanding about what is a ‘CONDITIONAL AGREEMENT’ - i.e. “My agreement is conditional on your words and commitments being spoken in truth, and coming true.” 

In the old days, a man’s word was his bond and his handshake was his signature! 

You didn’t need more than ‘the’word’ and ‘the handshake’ from a man - he would do his best to deliver what was agreed, and inform you honestly if he was unable to deliver. In this past environment, whilst there were still charlatans, it was much easier ‘to your own self be true’. 

With those days gone, and with manipulators abounding, you must observe others ‘actions’ more than their ‘words’ because their “Actions Expose Their Character”.

Apply this to the manipulator and yourself alike.  With an Agreement in place, which of you are working towards the desired outcome of the Agreement? If you are both, the Agreement is good.  If you are but the other is not, the Agreement is bad. The most dangerous situation for you is when you know the deal is bad for you seeing the other person is doing ‘nothing’ towards the outcome, but the other person is pressuring you because of ‘what you said’ during the ‘Agreement’. You must keep your awareness that the Agreement between both, is conditional in its entirety.

The way to avoid this dilemma (and it is an integrity dilemma) is :

1. Summarize all verbal agreements with an email or even a text with: “My agreement is subject to …” : … and then list who is doing what, and what the desired outcome is. 

2. Before you agree, think what you can actually do.  This will avoid you being the person responsible for non-delivery. Then DO what you said.

C)  Learn to discern the techniques of binding people to their word.  Don’t abuse it. 

D)  Make every discussion comment non-binding and any commitment conditional. 

Dad.